"I’m not fuckin’ retiring!"

No, it's not Don King’s latest protégé. Classy, brassy and all herself, Bette Midler - at a modest 58 years old - is standing on stage at Phillips Arena proclaiming her longevity to the world.

Introducing 'Skylark,' she says, "This is a song from my second album (Bette Midler, 1973) that we recorded in the '70s." And promptly collapses on the stage.

"I can’t believe how old I am!" she groans into the microphone. "You must not be able to believe how old I am!"

Watching her shimmy, rock, strut and saunter back and forth like a prowling lioness, there is no doubt that the Divine Miss M has not lost any of her magical timing. Going through her classic songbook with 'The Wind Beneath My Wings,' 'The Rose' and 'Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy' with timeless delivery, that voice unlike any other still soars from deep passionate tenderness to the heady heights of her bath-house decadence.

Not to be outdone by the putdowns that came with the failure of her CBS sitcom Bette, the divine one embraced her past and gave it to the audience in a hilarious package. As she wanders off stage for a costume change, the screens come down and Judge Judy’s face flashes across the arena. The case is Midler vs. CBS, with a man inside a giant eye costume as the network. After hilarious clips as defense (hilarious in that they prove the network’s accusations of Ms. Midler’s overacting and melodrama), the judge rules that Midler must apologize to anyone who has ever owned a television set.

But as Midler breaks into song (an alternative version of 'I’m Sorry') begging for the world to forgive her eyesore of a television show, she has a swift change of heart, choosing instead to celebrate those who love her in another altered song, 'Nobody Else But You.' With wild enthusiasm for the stereotypes that add to her legend, Midler salutes the "Jews" ("my tribe"), the "Queens" and her "friends," adding her signature song to the end of the quirky tune.

But perhaps the most tender and sweet segment was the unlikely choice of the Mr. Rogers duet. Done in the often-tacky style of Natalie and Nat King Cole, Midler took the opportunity to sing with a gigantic image of the departed television star. Choosing 'I Like To Be Told' made for the surprisingly touching performance, the two sang in seamless harmony, both equally sincere and eternally trusting of the world.

Hearing the tender yet bold voice of Midler next to the cardigan-wearing children’s hero magnifies all that is Bette. Strong yet sensitive, always herself yet always reinventing herself, able to cry and laugh at her mistakes, never apologizing yet humble in the face of heroes Rosemary Clooney and Rogers, Bette Midler is an oxymoron in heels.

www.bettemidler.com